Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?