When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
PLOT TWIST:
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw