I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself