I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter