I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Festive toon…
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)