boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
*mops up wine with cat*
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.