Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene