I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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when dads have a rap battle
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
also my go-to takeaway order
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what