me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Sooo many times…..
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
How does one answer this?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.