Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
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My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
That’s it.I’m out.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.