May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers