“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Pikachu found the lost joint
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?