Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
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[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate