[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion