I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.