Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
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Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed