My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
#parenting
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Breaking news:
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.