i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?