Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
You Might Also Like
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*