People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My neck, my back, my…
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Where is your GOD now????
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
True freaking story!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one