Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Good dog. ❤️
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!