Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards