A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
i love modern commerce
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine