I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
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When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP