Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.