10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.