6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
the noise i just made
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
This kid is going places
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Raisins are grape jerky.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?