me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
i did the math
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Best table by far
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father