Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
i prefer mine room temperature.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
new year update: losing everything but weight
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.