me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.