take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
You Might Also Like
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Netflix: We have Less
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.