I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.