Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.