How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
This is my cat’s medicine.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.