[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.