My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
dads on road-trips be like
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Who called it baking and not making love
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
So glad we cleared that up
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?