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How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
This one’s “Alex”.
you stereotypes are all alike
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.