“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
August 8
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends