“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]