[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
R.I.P.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.