I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Don’t touch that.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
*lint rolls you awake*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things