me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.