Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Meow
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Wikigenius
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.