Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.