My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days