don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
i made a craigslist ad !
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.