Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You Might Also Like
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.