I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
me 2 months after i graduated
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Clients after you give them your rates