Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Home is where your toilet is.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is