Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
WTF
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.